Monthly Archives: December 2014

Some Refreshing Perspective

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Not sure where to start, as it has been many moons since my last post.  I think the majority of my posts have been centered on accepting the normality of an unhappy baby.  The unhappy baby has since turned into a cuddly, silly, adorable, yet temperamental toddler.  Eric and I are grateful that he has evened out, although often it feels as if we haven’t achieved “normalcy”.  I know, I know, what’s “normal”, right?  I guess having a kid like Malcolm is like having a kid that acts like he’s teething most days–resists sleep, very sensitive, volatile even.  He is old enough to “discipline” in the most rudimentary ways which was helping me feel like I had some control, but there were times he could not breath without screaming, and during those times, I felt completely alone and depressed.

In fact, I got really depressed for a few weeks in October leading up to our big San Diego trip.  I wasn’t sure why at first since nothing had technically changed.  But after some reflection, it was clear that the reason I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning for a month was how utterly powerless I felt in my own home at the mercy of a very emotional kid.  And a sassy preschooler on top of that when the mood struck her.  And the results of it were super ugly.  I was angry and nasty to my kids and I hated myself for it.  I’ve never really had much “mom guilt” in the past.  I have always been honest about how tough it is raising little kids and I’m doing the best I can at meeting their needs.  Then all of a sudden the ugliest parts of me are being spewed all over my children and it wasn’t pretty.  I was officially entering “bad mom” territory and to make it worse, I was medicating with food and alcohol.

Earlier this year I lost nearly 20 pounds, and now I have gained it all back, and then some.  The scale continued to climb along with my anger and depression.  I would wake up ungodly early with my kids and have no pants that fit me, even the new ones I recently bought in a larger size would not even zip.  Afternoons were the hardest, as Mal would cry from the moment he got up from his nap to dinner time.  I would throw back a few glasses of wine to ease the afternoon, but it just stuffed down my anxiety for the moment.

The trip to see my sister was a nice change for us and provided some refreshing distance from the daily grind.  Now that I know the source of my anxiety (lack of control), it has been easier to tackle.  Prayer is frequent, food and drink less frequent, and I am down four pounds in the last week.  Because of God’s provision with our housing, I can afford a gym membership along with childcare, which has been a priceless gift.  For the first time in months, I want to be with my kids instead of trying to run from everything or completely check out.  Malcolm has been having a great week, which helps, but I also think my renewed perspective has made things a bit brighter too.  I’m hoping I can seek God first instead of running from difficulty and I know that will be a lifelong challenge.  For now, this is a great Christmas gift and I’m looking forward to the coming months.

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