Hiding upstairs

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…is what I’m doing right now. I just put Malcolm to bed at 5:45pm, and I’m pretending that I don’t need to go downstairs and function. I’ll write a blog…yeah. That’s it.

I wish I could say that I’m doing better at “being present” and accepting things, but its slow going. Today was a snow day so Eric was home and Malcolm was having a hard time. Teeth/cold/angry at the world, whatever. Although it was nice having Eric home, the day was an uphill climb… putting out fires with Malcolm, trying to get things done. I still don’t really see Eric all day since one if us has a kid, and I feel like all I say is “no” to Vi all day and then ignore her to try and calm Malcolm down. I miss her. How can I miss a child I spend the whole day with?

He was doing so much better until recently and I know it will pass.

Lately Malcolm is bordering on inconsolable on a bad day. And I know I should be sympathetic to him and whatever is going on, but after awhile it gets old. He gets himself so wound up, he wont nurse or eat. I’m not worried about him, that’s just how he manages his stress, and it will pass.

I have a great support system of moms in the area and I am so grateful. I think this experience will help me encourage other moms in the future. I get great encouragement like:”You’re a good mom.” I think that’s always good to hear. The funny thing is is I don’t feel like a bad mom. I mean, occasionally I’ll say something OUT LOUD that isn’t what a “good mom” might say, but my kids won’t likely hold it against me! Another one is, “its ok to feel this way (frustrated, angry, whatever)”. I don’t feel guilty when I’m angry with a situation. I hope I wont react badly, but Im pretty comfortable with my emotions. “Its not forever.” I know. But it sure feels like forever.

I think I’m ready to go downstairs and detox.

There’s no fix to difficult situations besides prayer and more prayer. And maybe a good friend to hold me while I cry and hand me a martini. Cheers.

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2 responses »

  1. No need to beat yourself up about it, it’s all part of motherhood. I remember walking Eric around for hours to soothe him while Billy was tugging at my shirt wanting to be fed or something. Somedays I thought I would go insane and cry myself to sleep. Then when they are happy, and the day is going great, you are thankful that you have them in your life.

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