I have been delighted to hear from several people that they enjoy reading my blog (who knew?). I have thought of blogging several times a month, but it doesn’t seem to happen. I have been very tired and sick most of the time, but I think its letting up. I know this because the Ramen noodles in the pantry is still there. That’s a triumph. Eric found out I was eating two at a time, and he couldn’t hide his (disgust?) surprise. “I didn’t even eat more than one at a time in college.” Thanks babe.
I had been a little (a lot) depressed for a couple weeks recently, lamenting the loss of my time. Meaning, when we have another baby, that’s even more of a barrier to me doing what I want–being who I want to be–outside of naps and diapers. I’m being painfully honest here because I don’t think moms often are. (Judge if you’d like, I don’t care–I’ll need less therapy someday!!) I think there are people in this world made for motherhood, and I’m not one of them. I will love mostly my children, and rarely other peoples (unless they’re family or close friends) because I’m not wired any other way. I was telling a friend about my recent pregnancy doldrums–here’s my continued mantra,
“I can’t do this again. Its too hard.” Occasionally there’s an expletive before “hard”, but I think the word “hard” sums it up.
My friend thought it was great I’m honest about how hard things are with a new baby for the first year. “Most moms aren’t.” Maybe they think they’re supposed to be basking in parenthood. There’s some awesome stuff that comes along with it…but its mostly HARD. Bottom line. And there are times when I’m hanging out with my mom friends and if I hear one more story about a failed nap, I want to tear my eyeballs out. Can’t we have some wine and talk about something ELSE?? ANYTHING? And then it dawns on me that I can’t even have wine. Rats.
The funny thing is that most of the early posts on this blog were rants concerning nap schedules. I’ve even considered renaming my blog to make a point. Any suggestions?? Seriously.
That being said, I’m feeling great this week. I don’t feel like I’m being pushed, pregnant, to the edge of a cliff, where a barren mommy wasteland lies beneath (there are moments). I’m actually feeling pretty ok. It does help that my 16 month old takes long naps now. I have had some great encouragement from church folk regarding the seriousness of caring for another person. They said it was the ultimate act of service and worship to God. Sweet! Often I feel like I should be feeding the homeless daily, but I can barely make dinner for myself some days. If you’re a parent and you have faith in God, consider your service to your child like a service to God… that will get you through the day. Take a deep breath. 🙂
In an effort to continue to conserve some of my own identity outside parenthood, I have considered painting again. Just for fun. I hope I can follow through with that without it becoming another chore. Not to mention I have the most wonderful husband on the planet, so I have that going for me too. Lots to be thankful for.