Monthly Archives: December 2012

Thoughts on Pregnancy

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This will be another post I am afraid will come off negative, but I’m accepting this about myself.  I had my second midwife appointment yesterday and discovered I have gained a great deal of weight in the last five weeks.  Granted, I’m pregnant.  I’m aware of this.  But the combination of eating garbage, not exercising from exhaustion, and weaning Vi has had disastrous results.  I know I’ll do better by next month.

It wasn’t just being depressed about the weight gain that got me upset yesterday.  I think stepping into that office made the pregnancy seem more real.  And not in a “wow what a beautiful and miraculous and mysterious miracle is birth” kind of way…more like…”Holy Cow!  I get to be pregnant again and go into unthinkable pain…again.  Yay?”  I’m freaked out about the stuff I don’t have control over.  Like the person who has to leave my body eventually–I have no control over that.  Losing a grip on my eating habits was one thing I could control, and I feel like I blew it.  My husband reminds me I put too much pressure on myself so I’m trying to press on and make good choices.

Today was day one of good choices.  I was doing fine until my toddler decides its sheer torture to be strapped into a carseat.  We had a roundtrip 1.5 hours in the car, and the veggie sticks only kept her quiet so long.  I was so frazzled 2 minutes into the drive back that I pulled into the Wendy’s drive thru, convincing myself she would eat an entire nuggets meal herself?  Silly.  She did eat quite a bit of it, but I ate the rest.   Being pregnant the second time around is so different with another child.  I took for granted all the freedom I had to do yoga, nap, or whatever.  I was working at the time, but I could “check out” in my brain.  And paperwork doesn’t scream at you all day like a child does.  Very different dynamic.

In short, I’d like to skip the pregnant stuff and the labor, and get to the part where we get to meet our new baby.  That will be cool.

 

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a blog

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I have been delighted to hear from several people that they enjoy reading my blog (who knew?).  I have thought of blogging several times a month, but it doesn’t seem to happen.  I have been very tired and sick most of the time, but I think its letting up.  I know this because the Ramen noodles in the pantry is still there.  That’s a triumph.  Eric found out I was eating two at a time, and he couldn’t hide his (disgust?) surprise.  “I didn’t even eat more than one at a time in college.”  Thanks babe.

I had been a little (a lot) depressed for a couple weeks recently, lamenting the loss of my time.  Meaning, when we have another baby, that’s even more of a barrier to me doing what I want–being who I want to be–outside of naps and diapers.  I’m being painfully honest here because I don’t think  moms often are. (Judge if you’d like, I don’t care–I’ll need less therapy someday!!) I think there are people in this world made for motherhood, and I’m not one of them.  I will love mostly my children, and rarely other peoples (unless they’re family or close friends) because I’m not wired any other way.  I was telling a friend about my recent pregnancy doldrums–here’s my continued mantra,

“I can’t do this again.  Its too hard.”  Occasionally there’s an expletive before “hard”, but I think the word “hard” sums it up.

My friend thought it was great I’m honest about how hard things are with a new baby for the first year. “Most moms aren’t.”  Maybe they think they’re supposed to be basking in parenthood.  There’s some awesome stuff that comes along with it…but its mostly HARD.  Bottom line.  And there are times when I’m hanging out with my mom friends and if I hear one more story about a failed nap, I want to tear my eyeballs out.  Can’t we have some wine and talk about something ELSE??  ANYTHING?  And then it dawns on me that I can’t even have wine.  Rats.

The funny thing is that most of the early posts on this blog were rants concerning nap schedules.  I’ve even considered renaming my blog to make a point.  Any suggestions??  Seriously.

That being said, I’m feeling great this week.  I don’t feel like I’m being pushed, pregnant, to the edge of a cliff, where a barren mommy wasteland lies beneath (there are moments).  I’m actually feeling pretty ok.  It does help that my 16 month old takes long naps now.  I have had some great encouragement from church folk regarding the seriousness of caring for another person.  They said it was the ultimate act of service and worship to God.  Sweet!  Often I feel like I should be feeding the homeless daily, but I can barely make dinner for myself some days.  If you’re a parent and you have faith in God, consider your service to your child like a service to God… that will get you through the day.  Take a deep breath. 🙂

In an effort to continue to conserve some of my own identity outside parenthood, I have considered painting again.  Just for fun.  I hope I can follow through with that without it becoming another chore.  Not to mention I have the most wonderful husband on the planet, so I have that going for me too.  Lots to be thankful for.